I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
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