I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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