K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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