So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
