First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
How naked do you want me to be?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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