happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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