I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
