True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
