Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
