I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
