I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
