fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
