I love black thongs
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
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We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
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The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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