Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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