last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
