Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
