You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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