its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
