I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
