How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize