She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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