Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
