I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Randomize
