if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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