So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
