You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
