i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
