Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
