I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
