Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
