Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
