I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
