Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
