if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
