I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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