if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
