the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
