no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
