Midget sex pt 2 tonight
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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