she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
