when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
