I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
