everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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