Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
