Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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