She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
