you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
ok first of all what the fuck
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
