Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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