I cannot find my penis.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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