God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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