I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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