dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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