He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
whose ass print is on the piano?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
