my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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