You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
