remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
