We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
